Someone said, stop and smell the flowers.
I don't even notice them most of the time. I am wrapped in my own thoughts, a heavy wrap, like the comforter in a winter of cursing demons.
But it helps when I do notice them. When I can temporarily wake myself from my stupor of angry thoughts, disappointments, especially against the person I love the most, I notice how beautiful the flowers are. They aren't just ornaments in this long hike, or even, things that get in the way. They have shapes, colors, sizes, and they all dance a different dance in the breeze of the mountain. And when I started raining, they dance a different routine altogether. But within a minute, my mind drifts back under the cover.
How to live present, notice present things, present beauties. I need to remind myself of the beauty I have now as opposed to the ugliness of the past and a savage unknown in the future. For that reason I need to notice the flowers again, to bring me back into the present.
The present was that I was hiking. Thunder and lightening surrounded me. And the sound and sight of the Rockies are ever present, like angels watching as I lead my path back down.
But my mind almost always drifted away. Why did she do that? She doesn't deserve my love! She didn't choose me. She betrayed me. And all the details, thoughts, and ever increasing number and deepening of emotions on each point.
Then the anger became unbearable.
And I noticed the flowers. They were now different than those from the previous episode. My mind was shifting from the past to the future and back again. Yet, life continued without me. Flowers and other flora have changed, and I missed a lot of them between the brief moments of noticing my presence.
But I was finally comforted with the feeling that this was the beginning. Finding peace means to notice the flowers of life. And if I can at least remind me to do it and actually do it for almost a minute, that's progress. Perhaps there is hope to truly lead my life away from her, to have myself again.
