The music is delightful, as usual. It's a waltz and I am accompanying the lady of the moment in turns and sweeps. And just when it's almost done, I saw her walk in. There's a lot of snow outside, so people are treading in snow and muck, and she's no different. But that's not the first thing I notice. As always, her wondering eyes. She comes in always and surveys the scene. I pretend I don't see her, but that also means I don't know if she sees me, notices me. I stole another look when the song is over, and I saw that she was putting her things down. Now I will enjoy my company for the last song of the set. Still, I can't help it, I am distracted, my heart is racing for a different reason than the song now. I feel guilty; I should be concentrating on the dance, on the lady I currently am with, but I can't help it, I steal another look and see that she's sitting down with a glass of water, waiting for someone to ask her to dance. I close my eyes, and try not to think about her. Think about the song, and there, the vocal comes up, I know this song, I know it in Spanish, its title means to dream and nothing more. That's what I am doing, just dreaming in this waltz. I open my eyes and I find myself in front of her. (I am quite amazed that I didn't get us crash into someone in my revelry.) Now suddenly my body desires to show off. So I did. I am not sure if she's watching at all, but I am showing off, giving her a preview of what she could be doing with me.
Yes, I feel guilty, but still, I am more nervous and guilty.
I don't look at her. I am supposed to be concentrating on my partner, our dance, our music. Maybe she is jealous? Hopefully.
Finally, the song is over, the set is over, and I thank my lady companion profusedly. It's not all insincere. She is a great dancer, made herself beautiful in the directions that I offered. We had a great time. And I thanked her for it. Usually, I would just dance another set with her, but I can't wait. As if I have to go pee or something. I made sure she felt appreciated despite the lack of dancing to a second set.
I don't have my glasses, but all this time I could see her well. I come up to her and saw the big smile she has on her face. Wow, that's the smile that is the tip of the javelin thrown at my heart. I said to her I didn't have my glasses, and she looked around saying that she saw them somewhere. How did she know what my glasses looked like? But then I said with some degree of suave that I didn't need them if she would be so kind as accept my invitation to a dance. She shook her head in enthusiasm. And there it began again, a very sweet dance. In this dance, I can always, if I want to, imagine that the lady I am with is actually my lady, my adoration, as they say in the songs, mi vida, mi corazón, mi amor. And with everyone else I would understand that this pretending, the deliberate self-delusion, doesn't go beyond the end of the song, and certainly not beyond the end of the set when we stop dancing. But with her, I can't do it. I allow myself to open up, throw open all gates and let whatever out from withal or in from without.
During the breaks I would make dumb comments and she would laugh at them. I would gently make fun of her, and she would tease back.
Yet, in the back of my mind, there is a sentry in the city of open gates, and he is looking out for anything truly outrageous. It's that sentry that tells me that her big smiles, her enthusiasm to my offer to dance, her laughing at my quips, all might not mean anything. I am just being me, and she's happy with that, but then beyond that is just imagination, guesses, and to believe it's in anyway a reality, would be dangerous, would cause famine and pillaging in the city of my open heart.
We danced another set, but I didn't want to give away too much. She knows how much I enjoyed dancing with her, but I wanted her to not be too complacent. I wanted her to also know that there was uncertainty. For that reason I never contacted her outside dancing. No. For her, my enthusiasm and laughter didn't go beyond the context of the dance and the atmosphere of the dance. And so this time it's no different; after two sets I thanked her and gave her a big hug and big smile, but then we went off our separate ways, to other dances, other dancers. But she didn't walk away from me in my mind. For the remainder of the night she was with me the whole time.
What differentiated this time from previous, however, was that I told her, after giving her the big hug, that before she disappeared, as she usually did so before I left, I wanted her to make sure we said goodbye. She smiled and said, "Sure." I could barely contain my heart at that smile. Her smile is so simple, so sincere, and so full of life. It would be the last dance we had together this year, this decade. And also in this event people brought in food and cakes. I brought in a cake. So we had more occasions to chitchat over sweets. Still, I tried not to give away too much, make her wonder, as she seems to like doing in general.
When I was done dancing with a lady a while later, I saw her removing her shoes and putting on her still mucky boots. I got nervous. I asked the lady if she wanted to continue, and she gladly obliged. This was going to be a very nerve-wrecking dance, and I only hope I do a good job with the lady I was with now. It was, interestingly, another waltz. Its meaning is "Who is she? Who is she?" That's my cue. Who is she? I actually don't know that much more than her smiles, her connection to my dance and my dumb remarks, and her profession. But what else? I tried not to pay attention to her, but hoped very much that she would keep her word and make sure to say goodbye to me. In the past people would miss that promise and later just send a text apologizing. I was too nervous to even consider this sad possibility. When the dance was over, I pretended not to look for her, making sure she didn't go, ready to accept the inevitable text message of apology later. But then she came up and I turned and pretended I was surprised and then sad that she was leaving. I apologized then to the lady I was with that I needed to go off for a bit but that I would ask her again later. She was happy to accommodate. We have such a nice community here. Besides, wasn't it obvious what was going on?
I walked down the stairs with her and in front of the exit door, I said her, after making more quips and straining to smile, "Hey listen, I think you have a really great sense of humor that goes with your amazing smile. (MY whole body is shaking.) When we both come back next year, next decade, really, I'd like to hang out more." Was I looking at her? I was I just repeating those words that I have committed to memory like a mantra? Was it my heart speaking? Did she see it? Was she going to tell me that she had a boyfriend? "That's too bad, but if you want, we can still hang out as friends. Up to you! (Smile!)" was what I would have said. Or maybe add in "I hope we can still dance, I think you're great!" This was the first time I did such a thing, letting a girl know I was interested in her without telling her straight like that, and without waiting for her to figure it out herself before hand. What would she say?
