She spent the whole night trying to get it working, and she got it working. She's so tired, but she got it working. She figured out how to place a web bug in her emails to him. She is pretty sure that based on his email address he doesn't have anything fancy to thwart the bug. And with this bug she knows how when and from what computer, therefore possibly what location, he has received her email. He hasn't written to her in over a year now. And before that more than a year. But she wasn't discouraged, not completely. That one time in all the nearly three years she had known him that he had written to her she was devastated, but not discouraged. He simply told her to stop writing to him. But after the first shock and bitter disappointment and pain, she was able to see that in his email there were signs of tenderness and care, and in the end she concluded that he just didn't want her to be disappointed that he would be too busy to carry out a more involved email relationship.
That must have been it.
And she has written to him at least once a week, and other times she has been tracking his blog that so inspired her the first place. She also managed to go to his conferences wherever he had one, as far as the opposite side of the globe.
"And his words aren't only inspiring, but he always speaks to me. He looks me in the eye even though I am but one in hundreds of people, and he is speaking to me!" she had said once. Her eyes lighten up like never before when she talks about this charismatic leader who she said has brought so much hope in "millions."
But the distress has been there more often than not. When he wasn't looking at her in her eyes, he was not available. He didn't see her in person. As mentioned, he has never written to her in any conversational manner. So one day she decided to travel across the border to his office. She believed that he knew her and wanted to talk to her, if only she could be a little more assertive; it was her verses his schedule. But if she could overcome his busy calendar they could finally meet and connect. So she drove fourteen hours to his office. But he wasn't in. Just as they told her when she called multiple times and left her name (on a first name basis) and her number. But no response. The situation was desperate because he needed to see her as much as she needed to see him. She wanted to provide him with invaluable help that would advance his cause to make the world even better, bring more joy and happiness to people. But they wouldn't be able to start until he actually talked to her, converse about her ideas, and in the meantime she could be in his aura of greatness. So she was disappointed when they told her that he wasn't in. And she returned the second day only to be told that he was traveling. They couldn't tell her why he hadn't at least call her to let her know about his schedule. And they wouldn't tell her where he was going that day. Just somewhere "far" for some business.
That evening she was upset and she wrote him another angry email. Although like other emails he didn't respond to this one she saw that the next day he didn't put in a blog entry. He was remorseful for not calling her or scheduling a meeting with her while she was in the country. Her email, where she told him that she had traveled all this way, was full of spite and anger of disappointment. Her reproach of him had an effect, it appeared. He had to take a break to reflect on his actions, or inactions. It wasn't the first time she could communicate with him through reading signs on his blog. There was a time when he mentioned a book in his blog soon after she sent out an email mentioning that very book. It didn't matter that since they were involved in the same field of a certain type of self-improvement that the chances for them to mention the same book or song or movie were pretty good; she felt the connection when she saw that book mentioned in his blog so soon after she sent him the email.
Now she needed to know for sure when and how often he read her email. It was obvious in her mind that he read her emails, probably over and over again, but she wanted to know the details; it was the closest she could get to reading his emotions and seeing his face next to her as he perused her words. And so she spent all night until the sun started to shine its twilight in the horizon. She was discouraged at times, and got upset with herself for not being a real computer wiz, but then thinking about him, about his message of self-love and embracing, she smiled more and persevered.
And now, after testing and making sure that it worked, she sent him an email. And she waited. And she fell asleep out of sheer fatigue. But a few hours later, she was woken up by the sound of a new message. She never gets many messages anymore from friends, most of whom have abandoned her when she focused all her attention on him, her idol, her prophet. So any sound of a message wouldn't be from them, but most likely either from him or from the program that signifies that the email was opened. That soon! She couldn't allow herself to believe it. She checks.
It was true. He opened her email. She was so joyful. He must have been waiting for her messages all the time. He checked so soon. She looked at the time and it was 9AM. He opened it first thing in the morning. She has the biggest smile in years in front of the computer, waiting for his reply. This was his way of letting her know that he does read her messages, just that he never has found the right moment to write back. Her joy lifts her out of her chair and she starts to dance and prance around. There have been doubts; the few friends and family members left have cast doubts too in her heart. But now she feels vindicated. She feels there's purpose again in life. She could do that project with him, stand by him, and they together can make the world a better place, so much more joy. She has never been so happy jumping into the shower and clean herself. All this depressing thoughts and ugly ideas have sullied her but now she can wash herself clean. It would be a great start.
It didn't matter to her, as it didn't occur to her that someone else would have opened the mail and dumped it in the spam box. One day that thought will occur to her when her joy sinks back into disappointment again when her hopes on the project are put on hold again. But for now, she feels cleaned, feels hopeful, feels the world is bigger.
